Christmas Contentment

Christmas is probably one of my favorite holidays,  and also my least favorite holiday.  I love the meaning of it all--that Christ came in a very humble and helpless form--a baby, and all to just redeem me!  It is amazing, and fills me with wonder and hope.  My christmases growing up were filled with happiness and family.  A lot of family.  There were always extended family gatherings with lots of cousins and fun.  We had traditions of egg nog on Christmas Eve, with a fire in the fire place.  It was a gas fireplace with the logs that never burned, and gave off hardly any heat, but we were in Southern California so no big deal, right?  Worsterbrochies were for dinner, along with a broccoli cream corn casserole and some kind of jello salad.  My mom had these silver trays that stacked and there were different kinds of cookies on them.  Along with that were pickles and crackers and cheese.  When we got older, sparkling cider was added.  Christmas morning was a breakfast casserole and apricot juice. The apricot juice was key.  Stockings were opened and so were the Santa gifts.  I can remember sitting around and feeling all of my presents, shaking them trying to figure out what they were.  My brother Scott decided he was going to try prevent me from guessing what my gift was, and so wrapped them as sneakily as he could.  One year he gave me a set of Magic Markers all wrapped up individually.  Jay and I were the best at guessing.  The year I got a packet of sugar in my stocking was my favorite Christmas.  Everyone looked at me expectantly and I did not know what to make of it.  Pretty soon they were telling me that they would be happy to have it if I didn't want it.  Took me awhile, but finally I realized the packet of sugar represented the horse, Sugar, that was in the corral.  Supposedly we were just "taking care" of her for a little while.

Gradually, Christmas has been more and more stressful.  First it was trying to make too many things for people while having and raising babies.  I put a lot of pressure on myself, mimicking my mom who always made things for us.  Nice things.  Things that were meaningful and lovely.  My mom was a very thoughtful giver.  There were some years that Christmas was at my house.  Living in Northern California, those from Southern California typically stayed at my house.  One year I had my parents, my sister's family (all 7 of them), and my brother's family (5 of them) plus I had 4? kids, or maybe I was pregnant.  Really I don't remember.  For awhile family came every other year.  Can I say how much fun I had hosting everyone?  I loved having family around.  But since my parents have passed, we don't get together at all.  With anyone.  Not even the brother who lives 15 minutes away.  Or the cousins who are up here with my Aunt. I miss the extended family, although I get it.  Kids have gotten older and started families of their own.  Getting together gets very complicated, and without someone to organize and push (well, really demand) to get together it just doesn't happen.

This year has been particularly hard.  I have struggled to maintain any facade of cheerfulness or of hope.  We have moved, and I don't feel settled.  I didn't want a tree.  There was no money for gifts.  Why even celebrate anything?  Luc stepped in, and worked really hard, and decided we would  have Christmas.  He took the kids, along with Holly, and got a tree.  He got everyone together to decorate. He bought a ton of gifts for everyone, and made sure there were Santa presents.  Nick worked and bought his siblings gifts.  Joel emptied his bank account and bought gifts.  I let a lot of things go, in order to reduce some stress.  Yes, we had worsterbrochies.  Cause it isn't Christmas Eve dinner without the worsterbrochies.  And we had a breakfast pizza casserole.  But we didn't have the apricot juice (I think this is the first year we didn't do that), and I didn't spend very much money.  I actually did make something for the kids--a drink cozy for mason jars that have a lid and straw.  A little thing, really, but well received.  And as I sit here typing, I am listening to my kids all play a game together, getting along and enjoying each other's company, and I am thankful.  Very thankful.  Because Christmas is the story of redemption, of reconciliation, of family and love for each other.  And this is what I have.

November 29 2015

Apparently I am now a grandma. This is my grandchild.   I was left in charge to watch her while Regan went to work to substitute. Teach that is. Regan is very safety conscious and makes sure every one is buckled.